Our Innocent Beginnings

When Peter and I first entered ministry, we were a young couple from a small town, raised in loving families. We had experienced kindness, stability, and the blessing of people who generally meant what they said. Looking back, we were wonderfully innocent.

We trusted people.

If someone told us they had a need, we believed them. If someone shared their side of a conflict, we assumed we were hearing the whole story. We saw the world through the lens we had been given, a lens shaped by honesty, generosity, and good intentions.

Ministry, however, introduced us to people from every life experience. It didn’t make us cynical, but it did make us wiser. It’s good thing it did, or our bank account may have been emptied 🙂

Learning That Not Every Story Is Complete

One of our earliest lessons came when a young man visited Peter’s office. He explained that he desperately needed glasses but couldn’t afford them. Moved by compassion, Peter gave him $250.

The following week, the young man’s friend showed up with the exact same story.

We began to realize that not everyone tells the complete truth. Some people tell partial truths. Others tell the version of the story that benefits them most.

Another day, a man came to the church asking for money to buy food. Rather than handing him cash, Peter smiled and said, “Today is your lucky day. We have a banquet downstairs.” He returned with a plate piled high with roast beef, potatoes, vegetables, and dessert. A few minutes later the man looked at him and said, “I don’t like roast beef.”

The issue, it seemed, wasn’t hunger.

Years later, on a missions trip, our team decided to take our hotel breakfasts with us as we toured the city. We wrapped fruit, pastries, eggs and bread and cheese so we could share them with people living on the streets.

To our surprise, several people refused the food. “We want money,” they said.

As I’ve spent a good portion of my life involved in street ministry and outreach in clubs, I’ve learned to listen with compassion while holding what I’m told loosely. What I hear may be completely true, partially true, or not true at all. But regardless of the details, it doesn’t negate the fact that there is real pain and genuine need. The challenge is responding with both compassion and wisdom.

Another time in Bangkok, I met a family from another country who were struggling financially. They were living in Thailand illegally, and they shared a heartbreaking story of persecution, explaining that they had fled for their lives. As I listened, I could hardly hold back my tears. Their situation seemed desperate, and I immediately began thinking of practical ways we could help.

The mother told me she loved to cook, so I offered to pay her to prepare a few meals for us each week. Their son spoke English well, so I also offered to connect him with a school where he could find employment and obtain a work visa, allowing him to remain in Thailand legally.

To my surprise, they weren’t interested in either opportunity.

The following Sunday, I gently asked their teenage daughter, “Can I ask you something? Is your family’s story true? Did you really flee because of persecution, or did you come to Thailand hoping for a better life? There’s no shame in wanting a better life.”

She lowered her head and quietly replied, “No, it’s not true.”

That conversation stayed with me. Their need was real, but the story they chose to tell wasn’t. It was another reminder that compassion and discernment must walk hand in hand. We can care deeply about people without accepting every story at face value. Sometimes the greatest help we can offer begins with understanding the truth.

Just so you know, I have many more very similar stories than I have space to write.

Every Conflict Has More Than One Perspective

The same principle applies far beyond financial need.

Over the years we’ve sat with countless couples struggling in their marriages. Often the wife shares her story first. Listening to her, you might think, What a terrible husband.

Then the husband tells his story. Suddenly you find yourself thinking, What a terrible wife. Eventually you realize that neither perspective tells the whole story.

As the saying goes, there are three sides to every conflict: his side, her side, and the truth. Scripture recognizes this human tendency.

“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” (Proverbs 18:17)

That verse has become a wise principle in my life. The first story is often compelling because it’s the only story we’ve heard. It feels complete until another perspective fills in the missing pieces. That doesn’t mean everyone is lying. Often people sincerely believe their version of events because it is filtered through their own experiences, hurts, fears, expectations, and memories.

We All See Through a Lens

We all see life through a lens.

I’ve noticed this even when talking with people from different countries. The same historical event can be understood in completely different ways depending on where someone grew up. I remember listening to a couple argue about world events. They were from different nations and didn’t see what had happened in the same way at all.

Another example, what many of us know as the Vietnam War is called “The American War” in Vietnam. Same conflict. Different lens. My daughter was taught in high school that America won the war of 1812. She questioned the American teacher who paused and replied, “well it was a draw.”

The news works much the same way. People who watch different media outlets often come away believing completely different versions of reality because each source emphasizes certain facts while minimizing others. Documentaries are also often based on the producers, directors, and the story tellers perspective. Perspective shapes perception.

That’s why discernment is so important and intentionally expanding your friendship circle so you are exposed to different ways of thinking.

Soft Hearts and Wise Minds

As followers of Jesus, we are called to keep our hearts soft without becoming naïve.

Jesus instructed His disciples, “Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).

Notice He didn’t say to choose one or the other. He calls us to both. Compassion should never disappear, but wisdom had to grow alongside it.

There’s an old proverb made famous by President Ronald Reagan: “Trust, but verify.” While those exact words aren’t found in Scripture, the principle certainly is.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “Test everything; hold fast what is good.” (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

John echoed the same thought:

“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God.” (1 John 4:1)

Slow Down Before You Decide To Weigh In

I’ve also learned that extending grace doesn’t require agreeing with every version of a story. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is simply admit that we don’t yet know enough to form an opinion.

James gives us another timeless piece of wisdom:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)

Quick to listen.

Slow to conclude.

Slow to judge.

In today’s world, we’re often encouraged to choose a side immediately. Social media rewards instant opinions. Someone can tell their story and people immediately jump on and express their outrage. Headlines invite snap judgments. Conversations become polarized before all the facts are known. One side isn’t not the entire story.

But followers of Christ are called to something better.

We’re called to pursue truth with humility.

That means recognizing that our own perspective has limits. It means asking questions before making assumptions. It means extending compassion while exercising wisdom. It means remembering that every person we meet carries a story we may not fully understand.

Seeking Truth with Grace

Looking back, I’m grateful that ministry didn’t leave us hardened. It left us wiser.

We still want to help people. We still believe in generosity. We still believe the best about others whenever possible.

But we’ve also learned to ask good questions, seek understanding, and verify before drawing conclusions. A soft heart and a discerning mind are not opposites. They are both gifts from God.

May we be people who love, listen, judge slowly, live generously and seek truth.