Love & Marriage – Choosing a Lifelong Partner – Part 1

I still remember standing at the front of the church in my white tuxedo. Yes, it was the 1980s after all. The groomsmen stood beside me, the bridesmaids across the way, and then the music began.

I looked down the aisle and saw my beautiful bride walking toward me with her father at her side. As she drew closer, I noticed her bouquet was shaking ever so slightly.

Naturally, I assumed she was overwhelmed by my remarkable handsomeness.

Forty-five years later, Sandra and I are still walking through life together, still in love, still learning, still grateful for the gift of marriage.

I am certainly not a relationship expert, but after many years of marriage, and after officiating hundreds of weddings as a pastor, I have learned a few things about love, commitment, and choosing the right partner.

Choosing the Right Partner: Wisdom Over Emotion

Our culture often paints a romantic picture of love that goes something like this: two people meet, sparks fly instantly, and they simply know they are meant for each other.

That may make for a wonderful movie script, and those feelings can be experienced, but real life, and real marriage, is much deeper than emotion alone.

Attraction matters, of course. God created us with emotions and affection. But attraction alone is not strong enough to sustain a lifelong covenant. Infatuation fades. Excitement rises and falls. Every marriage eventually encounters stress, disappointment, hardship, and seasons that require perseverance.

When the excitement cools, character is what remains. That’s why character matters far more than chemistry.

So, what matters when you’re praying about the person you will marry? Look beyond appearance and charm and definitely look past charisma. Look for kindness, look for humility, look for patience, loyalty, faithfulness, and emotional maturity. Look for someone who treats others with respect and who demonstrates integrity when nobody is watching. And at the centre of it all, do they follow Jesus and is that relationship evident in their daily life?

Chemistry may spark a relationship, but character is what keeps the flame burning through the years.

Questions Worth Asking Before Marriage

Over the years, I’ve watched countless couples stand before family, friends, and God and vow to remain committed to one another “for as long as we both shall live.”

Those are sacred words. And for those vows to become more than sentimental promises, couples need to prepare wisely for marriage before they ever walk down the aisle.

Here are some important questions worth asking.

Do We Share Core Values and Faith?

No two people agree on everything, nor should they. Healthy relationships allow room for different personalities and interests.

But when it comes to foundational values, especially faith, unity matters most.

If two people are moving in opposite spiritual or moral directions, tension eventually develops at the centre of the relationship itself. Shared convictions create stability and help couples navigate life with a common purpose.

How Do We Handle Conflict?

Every couple will face disagreements. The issue is not whether conflict happens, but how it’s handled.

It’s wise to talk honestly about how conflict was modelled in your families growing up. Even if you didn’t like how conflict was handled, there’s a great chance you will respond the in same way when conflict arises. Your partner’s upbringing also impacts this.

Did people communicate calmly, or avoid difficult conversations altogether? Did anger dominate the home, or was grace present?

Learning healthy communication and conflict resolution before marriage can prevent tremendous pain later on.

What Are Our Views on Finances, Children, and Priorities?

These topics may not feel romantic, but they are important.

Financial pressures, parenting approaches, and differing priorities can become major sources of tension if they are never discussed honestly beforehand. Couples need open, prayerful conversations about expectations, goals, and responsibilities. If Jesus is at the centre of both of your lives, how you approach everything will be influenced by that core value.

Are We Emotionally and Spiritually Ready for Marriage?

Marriage is not simply a romantic milestone. It’s a covenant commitment.

Emotional maturity matters. The ability to communicate honestly, take responsibility, forgive, and serve another person sacrificially is essential for a healthy marriage.

A strong marriage is never built on hope alone. It’s built intentionally, prayerfully, and patiently.

Seeking God’s Direction

Years ago, a friend gave our teenage daughter some relationship advice that has always stayed with me. She said, “If you follow Jesus, you don’t need to kiss a hundred frogs hoping one turns into a prince. Trust God enough to wait for the prince He has for you.”

There is wisdom in that.

Faith should never be pushed aside when it comes to relationships. In fact, in one of life’s most important decisions, seeking God’s direction becomes even more essential.

When Sandra and I were dating, we prayed together often. We asked the Lord for wisdom, peace, and guidance. We wanted our relationship to honour Him and align with His will for our lives.

We also sought wise counsel from trusted believers around us. God often speaks through the wisdom of mature Christians who know us, love us, and genuinely want the best for us.

And sometimes, one of the clearest signs of God’s leading is peace, not pressure, fear, or panic.

Avoiding Common Relationship Mistakes

One of the greatest joys of pastoral ministry is seeing couples begin their married lives together with hope and excitement.

One of the hardest parts is witnessing the heartbreak that sometimes follows when marriages fall apart.

Sadly, many struggles reveal warning signs long before the wedding day.

Strong emotions can sometimes cause people to overlook serious concerns: poor communication, selfishness, instability, lack of commitment, dishonesty, or emotional immaturity. These are not issues to ignore or excuse away.

Love should not blind us to wisdom.

Another common mistake is rushing into marriage out of loneliness, pressure, or fear.

Thoughts like “the clock is ticking” or “I just need someone” can lead people into relationships for the wrong reasons.

And marriage itself cannot fix personal struggles. Mercy is a beautiful quality. Compassion matters. But when it comes to choosing a marriage partner, it’s not your responsibility to “fix” someone.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed this repeatedly in both life and ministry. Many people enter relationships hoping love will change deeply rooted patterns, wounds, or unhealthy behaviours. Sometimes change does come through God’s grace, but many times the hoped for change never arrives.

Love should be filled with grace, but it should also be guided by wisdom.

Choose someone whose character already reflects the kind of life you hope to build together.

In fact, unresolved issues are often magnified within marriage rather than healed by it.

As my granddaughter’s favourite movie Frozen jokingly says, “He’s a bit of a fixer upper.” While God certainly changes hearts and transforms lives, it is unrealistic, and unfair, to expect marriage itself to repair wounds, insecurities, or unhealthy patterns.

Healthy marriages are built by two people willing to grow, heal, and pursue God together.

A Final Thought

Marriage is one of God’s sweetest gifts. It’s not always easy, but it is meaningful and beautiful when built on love, faith, commitment, and godly character.

Before the white gown and the white tuxedo, before the flowers and photographs, before the vows are spoken, take the time to build wisely.

Ask honest questions. Seek wise counsel. Pray sincerely. Pay attention to character.

And trust God to lead you.

Because while a wedding lasts a day, a marriage is meant to last a lifetime.