The Truth About Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the most challenging, yet freeing, practices we are called to embrace. It is not a one-time decision, but a lifelong journey, one that stretches our hearts, humbles our pride, and draws us closer to God. Scripture calls us to forgive not just once, but continually.

Matthew 18:22 ^“Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”

This reminds us that forgiveness is not about keeping score, but about cultivating heart that is always longing to please God and live in freedom.

If you’ve been deeply hurt, sometimes over many years this is very difficult but essential.

The Hidden Weight of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness often feels justified. Holding onto that pain can seem like you are protecting yourself. In reality, it becomes a burden that quietly stunts our spiritual and emotional growth. Hebrews 12:15 warns us to watch out for a “root of bitterness” that can grow and defile many. That root doesn’t stay contained it spreads into our thoughts, our attitudes, and eventually into every area of our lives.

When we refuse to forgive, we are not punishing the other person as much as we are imprisoning ourselves. Our peace becomes fragile, our joy diminished, and our ability to fully love others is hindered. Unforgiveness keeps us tethered to past wounds, preventing us from stepping fully into the life God has for us. It can cause us to see life through that wound and then it impacts every relationship we have.

Forgiveness Is a Process, Not a Moment

One of the greatest misconceptions about forgiveness is that it happens instantly. While the decision to forgive can be made in a moment, the outworking of that decision often takes time sometimes years. Healing is layered, and God gently reveals areas of our hearts that still need surrender.

There are moments when you may think you’ve forgiven someone, only to find yourself dealing with that pain again. A familiar tone, a repeated behavior, or even a completely different person acting in a similar way can reopen the wound. This doesn’t mean you have failed; it simply means there is more healing to be done.

Forgiveness is a journey of returning, again and again, to the choice to release the offense and trust God.

The Reality of Being Triggered

Triggers can be surprising and often discouraging. You may feel strong and healed, only to encounter something that stirs up old emotions. This is especially true when the person who hurt you continues in similar patterns, or when others unknowingly mirror those same behaviours.

In these moments, it’s important to remember that healing isn’t about never feeling pain again it’s about how you respond when the pain resurfaces. Each trigger becomes an opportunity to reaffirm your decision to forgive and to invite God deeper into your healing process.

The Impact on Relationships and Community

Unforgiveness doesn’t exist in isolation. It affects how we relate to others, our families, our friendships, and even our church communities. When we carry unresolved hurt, we may become guarded, suspicious, or quick to take offense. This can create distance between us and others, even those who have done nothing wrong.

In the context of church, unforgiveness can quietly erode unity. We can withdraw, avoid certain people, be unnecessarily suspicious or struggle to fully engage in relationships. Yet Scripture calls us to live in harmony and to “bear with each other and forgive one another” (Colossians 3:13). Forgiveness is essential not just for personal freedom, but for the health of every relationship you have.

When You Don’t Realize You Haven’t Forgiven

Sometimes, we are unaware that unforgiveness still lingers in our hearts. We believe we have moved on until we encounter the person again. Suddenly, emotions rise to the surface: anger, anxiety, or even resentment. These reactions reveal that there is still work to be done.

This realization isn’t something to feel ashamed of. Instead, it is an invitation. God, in His kindness, is bringing hidden wounds into the light so that true healing can take place. Awareness is the first step toward freedom.

Forgiving in Different Ways

Forgiveness doesn’t always look the same. In some situations, reconciliation and a face-to-face conversation are possible and even necessary. Speaking forgiveness directly to someone can be powerful, bringing clarity and restoration.

However, there are times when forgiving must happen privately between you and God. The other person may not be safe to approach, may be unwilling to acknowledge the hurt, may not be able receive it or even understand why you felt hurt, or may no longer be part of your life. In these cases, forgiveness is still possible. It becomes an act of surrender, where you release the offense into God’s hands without requiring anything in return.

Both forms of forgiveness are valid. What matters most is the posture of your heart.

Story of Forgiveness

In my twenties, my husband and I worked under someone who treated his staff very poorly. Many would call him a bully. He often belittled people publicly and placed expectations on others that he didn’t live up to himself.

At the time, we were young, idealistic and deeply impressionable. We believed that leaders were, by nature, kind and caring. So his behaviour didn’t just discourage us, it unsettled something deeper. After two years of enduring his harshness, we began to question whether ministry itself was meant for us. It was a painful and confusing season, one that left its mark on us as a young couple.

When we eventually left, healing began. Distance gave us perspective, and over time, we felt we had moved on. I didn’t think I carried any unforgiveness toward him. Life went on, and the intensity of that experience seemed to fade into the background.

But about ten years later, I attended an event where he happened to be present. As he walked past me, something unexpected happened, my stomach lurched, and a wave of dread rose up inside me. It caught me completely off guard. In that moment, I realized that although time had passed, something unresolved still remained in my heart.

That was when I realized I had some work to do.

It wasn’t dramatic or instantaneous. It was quiet, often unseen, bringing the hurt into the light, choosing again and again to release it, and asking God to help me let go of what had wounded me so deeply. Over time, I believed I had truly forgiven him.

And yet, I’ve come to understand that not all wounds are the same. Some go far deeper than others. If the hurt is something like abandonment, abuse, or infidelity, I can only imagine how heavy that burden must be. To forgive something you cannot forget, to carry the memory of it in your body and your story must require a depth of courage and grace that is hard to put into words. Moving forward in those situations isn’t simple, and it is never quick. It’s a process that deserves patience, compassion, and gentleness toward yourself.

And then, decades later, about 35 years after those early experiences, I received a phone call from him. He was asking me to reach out to someone on his behalf. Our conversation was brief, but his tone and demeanour were strikingly familiar. It echoed the same unkindness I had known years before.

When the call ended, I noticed something within me. The old pain hadn’t returned in the same overwhelming way, but there was still a trace of it, a sensitivity, a memory in my spirit.

Forgiveness is not always a one-time decision. Sometimes, it is something we revisit not because we’ve failed, but because we are human. Old wounds can leave deep impressions, and occasionally life brings them back into view, inviting us to respond again, but this time with greater grace.

There is a quiet freedom in that. Not because the past is erased, but because it no longer holds power in the same way.

And so, I continue choosing forgiveness, again and again, and trusting that each time I do, my heart becomes a little lighter, a little freer, and a little more whole.

The Freedom Found in Letting Go

There is a freedom that comes with forgiveness. It doesn’t erase the past, but it loosens its grip on your present. When you forgive, you stop being defined by what was done to you. Instead, you step into the identity God has given you one marked by grace, strength, and peace.

Jesus teaches in Matthew 6:14-15  “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This isn’t about earning God’s love, but about aligning our hearts with His. Forgiveness transforms us, making us more like Jesus.

The weight lifts. The bitterness fades. The constant replaying of the offense begins to quiet. In its place comes a deep, steady peace a peace that isn’t dependent on others, but rooted in God.

A Continual Surrender

Forgiveness isn’t a destination we arrive at, but a practice we return to. Some days it feels easy; other days it requires everything within us. Yet, each step we take brings us closer to freedom.

As you walk this journey, remember that you are not alone. God is with you in every moment, giving you the strength to release what you can’t carry and to embrace the healing He offers.

In the end, forgiveness is not just about others, it is about your own heart. And as you choose it again and again, you will discover a life that is lighter, fuller, and deeply free.

The Way Forward

1. Pray and release this person into God’s hands as often as you need to. If they are in your life it may be daily.
2. Ask God to forgive you and receive His forgiveness as you do.
3. Tell someone in your life that you trust and ask them to help you through this. They will be able to see the moments when you want to respond in a negative way and help you recognize the triggers.
4. Seek help with a Christian Therapist who will help you walk through your pain.
5. Write a letter of forgiveness to the one who hurt you. Depending on the situation you may or may not send it. Sometimes it’s not wise to confront them. Your therapist will help you know if or when you should send it.

Recommended book: Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again by Lysa TerKeurst